The Liquid Muse

Are We Too Tired to Party?

Interestingly, at the Nightclub & Bar Magazine Tradeshow in Las Vegas, last week, cocktails took a back seat to beverages promising a caffeinated boost. “Upper downers” (my term for caffeinated booze) were the main attraction. I came away with the distinct idea that today’s partiers can’t last though the night without a little help. No, I'm not talking about the good old fashion illegal all-night party drugs of yore. I'm talking about energy drinks.

Apparently, Red Bull is still the King of the Caffeinated Jungle, as proven by the eardrum-rupturing music blaring from the great white go-go dancing installation of amped-up love.

Playboy has gotten in on the act. But, don’t be fooled. The Playboy Energy Drink is not owned by Hef. The CirTran Beverage Corporation has licensed the name. Still, It has less after taste than most, and if I were going to hold a logo in my hand at a party, this would be the one.

Deep Throat energy drink on the other hand, is the last thing I’d be caught dead standing near. I mean, who exactly are they marketing to? Women would look like trailer trash drinking a can of it, and men would seem like total doofuses. I hate to be a hater but even their booth “bunnies” looked they’d turn a trick or two in the parking lot after the show.

Go Girl has the most wholesome (let’s say “normal”) image and tastes the best, by far. It comes in various flavors like the now obligatory pomegranate, among others... Unfortunately, their website is not well put together but try not to let that put you off. This is the energy drink I’d buy a case of. They even donate to breast cancer research.

If you’d like a little liquor buzz with your energy boost, PINK has you covered. In addition to their caffeinated vodka (which tastes better than most of its kind) they are just rolling out caffeinated tequila, sake and more. Tasting PINK, I have to say that amped up booze has come a long way since I wrote about Zygo back in 2006.

Get it on with Mama Juana, whom I didn’t see at the show but sent me samples directly. The company claims that this drink’s ingredients have been used for over 400 years in the Caribbean to enhance stamina and virility. Launched by John Layfield, a WWE wrestler who won notoriety early in his career for taking on a bear at a bar in Texas (sounds like a case for P.E.T.A., if you ask me…). Mama Juana’s sex-boosting formula includes:

• maca (to increase male sexual performance)
• hawthorn berry (improves blood flow around the body… if you catch the drift)
• horny goat weed (pun intended – its an aphrodisiac used in Chinese medicine)
• muira puama (a Brazilian aphrodisiac)
• anumu (used by Peruvians to promote virility)
• eleuthero (“Siberian ginseng,” another aphrodisiac)
• green tea extract (“provides strong antioxidant activity for sperm.” Who knew?)

This elixir doesn’t taste as natural as it sounds but shaken into a margarita it is worth trying out. Just make sure you have a willing partner and a few hours to spare should it deliver the sexual cyclone it promises.

Another burst of energy delivered right to my door is from 5-Hour Energy. This one angles itself more toward the athletic crowd. It claims that it gives “hours of energy now, no crash later.” Now that’s a drug I can get behind! Its packaging is much more technical and even includes reports from a clinical trial favorably comparing itself to other energy drinks. It claims to be loaded with b-vitamins, enzymes and amino acids and comes in berry, lemon-lime and orange flavors. This is one I would definitely down before my next run.

So, there you have it. There are about a million more of these kinds of things on the market, so please share your favorites in the comments, below. And, let us us know if you need this stuff to motivate yourself for a night out. And, definitely let me know if you like mixing these in cocktails… not that I'm too tired to party, or anything. (yawn)